After a long journey, he was able to reach Medina to see the Prophet (saw). First, he intended to declare his belief in him as Allah’s last Messenger, and then he was going to underpin this belief by pledging loyalty to him. He had left his family behind. His needy mother and father were in tears when he departed... They understood that their son’s soul was filled with zealous passion. Perhaps they felt that he would not return home once he left for Medina. Now, he was standing before the Prophet (saw). When he expressed his intention to the Prophet (saw), he could not help but say, “I came to you, O Messenger of Allah but I have left behind my mother and father in tears.” He appeared eager to demonstrate what he was willing to sacrifice for his religion. However, the response of our Prophet was very disheartening to him. For the Prophet said: “Go back to your family, and make them smile as you made them cry!” (Abu Dawud, Jihad, 31; Nasa’i, al-Bi’ah, 10; Ibn Majah, Jihad, 12; al-Sharh ala Ibn Battal, IX, 191)
When the Prophet (saw) was asked what was the best deed, he replied, “To perform the (daily compulsory) prayers at their stated fixed times, to be good and dutiful to one’s own parents, and to participate in jihad in Allah’s cause.” (Bukhari, Tawhid, 48; Muslim, Iman, 139) Thus, it is clear that relations with parents have an aspect closely related to the appreciation of Allah.
The hadith books are replete with accounts containing principles to guide our relations with our parents. In these hadiths, the term “al-birr” is used to refer to good deeds. In fact, the term “al-birr” refers to all kinds of good deeds and beauties in this world and the hereafter. For example, being rightly guided, and enjoying blessings and abundance in this world are all different forms of “al-birr.” This term also includes the meaning of attaining ultimate happiness on the Day of Judgement and earning Paradise as a final reward.
Furthermore, “al-birr” refers to the genuine interest a child takes in his or her parents, enduring not to break their hearts, and taking on the responsibility of caring for them in their old age. Performing these good deeds is also a sign of being a good servant of Allah (swt). This is one of the best ways to gain Allah’s pleasure.
Allah Almighty abhors the idea of anyone rebelling against their parents (Abu Dawud, Dahaya, 20-21; Nasa’i, ‘Aqiqa, 1). On the Day of Judgement, the He will not look at the faces of those who rebelled against their parents (Nasa’i, Zakat, 69), and will not receive them in His Paradise (Nasa’i, Ashriba, 46; Darimi, Ashriba, 5). Moreover, our Prophet made unequivocal statements about being rebellious against one’s parents. For example, after asking, “Shall I inform you of the biggest of the great sins?” the Prophet (saw) first mentioned, “To join partners in worship with Allah,” and then added, “to be undutiful to one’s parents” (Bukhari, Adab, 6; Tirmidhi, Shahada, 2).
The Qur’anic verse, “If one or both of them reach old age in your care, never say to them even ‘ugh,’ nor yell at them” (Isra, 17:23) has been interpreted by Muslim scholars in various ways and they all agreed that it means not to be rebellious against one’s parents, and to heed their words at any stage of life. Nevertheless, Allah Almighty also warns us that there are some requests that parents cannot make, “We have commanded people to honour their parents. But if they urge you to associate with Me what you have no knowledge of, then do not obey them.” (Ankabut, 29:8)
As with all other actions, it is the responsibility of the adults to set an example for children in treating their parents well. This is perhaps the best way to teach children how to behave with their own parents in the future. Hence, it is stated in the Holy Qur’an, “Is there any reward for goodness except goodness?” (Rahman, 55:60) According to Anas b. Malik (may Allah be pleased with him), the Messenger of Allah (saw) said, “If a young person honors an elderly one on account of his age, Allah appoints someone to honor him in his old age.” (Tirmidhi, Birr, 75) A child does not have a right to treat his parents poorly because the parents may have treated him badly when he was a child. In this matter, our guide is the following advice from the Prophet (saw) who said, “Do not let yourselves be a people who agree with everything that someone else asserts by saying: ‘If the people are good then we will be good, and if they are wrong then we will be wrong.’” (Tirmidhi, Birr, 63) We have to leave our selfishness aside, and heed the advice of our Lord: “Good and evil cannot be equal. Respond ‘to evil’ with what is best, then the one you are in a feud with will be like a close friend.” (Fussilat, 41:34) Therefore, children should not forget that they will be parents one day. Likewise, parents should not forget that they were young once.
The parents have a lifelong responsibility towards their children, depending on their needs at different stages of their lives. However, when the parents get older it is the children who have the responsibility of taking care of them. Hence, Allah the Almighty says, “For your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him. And honour your parents. If one or both of them reach old age in your care, never say to them even ugh, nor yell at them. Rather, address them respectfully. And be humble with them out of mercy, and pray, ‘My Lord! Be merciful to them as they raised me when I was young.’” (Isra’, 17:23-24) Therefore, it is expected from all children who grow up, even those who might have a tendency to neglect and disrespect their parents, to do good deeds towards their elderly parents and respect them.
Our Lord asks from us, as He did from the previous communities, (Baqarah, 2:83) to do good to our parents. It is noteworthy to point out that Allah Almighty mentions this demand literally next to the commandment of “pray to Allah only” (Nisa’, 4:36; An’am, 6:151; Isra’, 17:23). This is because, some of Allah’s attributes, such as creating out of nothing, bestowing blessings, providing protection, and showing compassion to humankind, are manifested through the deeds of the parents. The fact that parents are conduits through which these divine attributes are transferred to children makes parents worthy of honor and respect.
It is noteworthy that even when Allah praises one of His prophets, He refers to that Prophet’s relation with his parents: “…and kind to his parents. He was neither arrogant nor disobedient.” (Maryam, 19:14) When Allah (swt) enjoins children to do good deeds toward their parents, He does not restrict the options. For example, verbal good deeds including respectful conversations with the parents (Isra’, 17:23-24), and material good deeds including financial support and physical care (Baqarah, 2:180; Nisa’, 4:36) are some of the good deeds that Allah would accept from them. As long as the children want, there are countless ways to do good deeds towards their parents in order to fulfill the commandments of our Lord. Moreover, the things that can be done for parents are not limited to this world. A child who is dedicated to continuing to serve his parents can give charity on their behalf after their death, (Muslim, Wasiyyah, 12) fulfill their unfulfilled nadhr and oaths, (Bukhari, Wasaya, 19) supplicate to Allah for their forgiveness (Abu Dawud, Adab, 119-120; Ibn Majah, Adab, 2) and even perform hajj and umrah on their behalf (Abu Dawud, Manasik, 25; Tirmidhi, Hajj, 87). As such, the parents will join the group of people whose good deeds will continue and the book of records will remain open after their death. The Messenger of Allah (saw) gave the glad tiding about this matter as follows: “When a man dies, his action discontinues from him except three things: the recurring charity, the knowledge by which benefit is acquired, or a pious child who prays for him.” (Muslim, Wasiyya, 14; Abu Dawud, Wasaya, 14)
The Prophet Muhammad (saw) also said, “The father is the middle gate to Paradise. So the choice is yours if you wish to neglect that door or protect it.” (Tirmidhi, Birr, 3; Ibn Majah, Talaq, 36) In short, in our relationship with our parents, we should always pray “Our Lord! Forgive me, my parents, and the believers on the Day when the judgment will come to pass.” (Ibrahim, 14:41)
